In the world of modern dating, there’s one thing men love to shout from the rooftops: “We are the providers!” But what does that really mean? If you’re a self-proclaimed “alpha male,” you already know you’ve got to bring your A-game. Here’s a guide on the “essential” things every man believes he should provide to win over the woman of his dreams. Spoiler alert: This list might hit a little too close to home… with a twist.
1. Unlimited Confidence
Strut like you own every room, even if you’re lost. Confidence is attractive, right? At least, that’s what the mirror keeps telling you.
2. The Ultimate Plan (Even If It’s Made Up on the Spot)
Always act like you’ve got a master plan for the future. Whether you actually have one? Minor detail. Women love a man with direction.
3. An “Interesting” Sense of Humor
You’ve got jokes. Are they good? Doesn’t matter. If she’s not laughing, she just doesn’t get your sophisticated humor.
4. Emotional Fortitude (AKA No Feelings Allowed)
Who needs vulnerability when you can be a stoic rock? Tears are for movies, not relationships. Remember, showing feelings is optional—preferably never.
5. Grand Promises
Make big, sweeping promises about the future. “We’ll travel the world!” “I’ll build you a castle!” Execution? TBD.
6. A Unique Hobby That Makes You Seem Mysterious
Learn a random skill, like playing the ukulele or doing magic tricks. Don’t actually get good at it. It’s the effort that counts.
7. The Illusion of Independence
Make it clear that you don’t need her. You’re a lone wolf. But also, don’t let her leave your sight. Balance is key.
8. Endless Opinions on Movies She Likes
Even if you secretly enjoyed the rom-com, roll your eyes. It’s all part of the act. Bonus points if you pretend to like obscure indie films.
9. The Perfect Playlist
Curate a playlist that screams, “I have depth.” Throw in a few brooding songs and call it a day. She’ll be swooning in no time.
10. A Slightly Too Detailed Fitness Plan
You don’t just work out—you’re training. Even if you skip leg day, let her know you’re practically a personal trainer.
11. A Poker Face During Arguments
She’s passionate; you’re unshakeable. Stay calm and nod. Winning an argument is 80% pretending you didn’t hear her last point.
12. A Mysterious Past
Hint at a complicated backstory. Nothing too specific. Just enough to keep her guessing. “I’ve seen things…”
13. Gourmet “Signature Dish”
Cook one meal well. Really well. Then cook it every single time. You’re not just cooking; you’re creating art.
14. A Deep, Thoughtful Book Collection (That You Haven’t Read)
Own at least five books you’ve never opened. Display them prominently. Who needs to read when you can provide intellectual ambiance?
15. The “Busy” Card
You’ve got a packed schedule. Even if you’re just playing video games. Women love a man in demand.
16. An Overprotective Instinct
If she mentions a guy at work, scowl. It’s your job to “protect” her from… casual office conversations?
17. Random Knowledge About Cars
You don’t just know cars; you feel them. Can you change your own oil? Irrelevant. It’s the thought that counts.
18. Outdated Chivalry Moves
Pull out her chair, but make it a production. Open doors like it’s an Olympic sport. The classics never die… right?
19. A Dramatic Exit Strategy
Storming out of the room mid-argument? Classic. Just make sure you come back five minutes later for snacks.
20. Signature Cologne
Pick one scent. Drown yourself in it. Now you’re unforgettable—or just easy to track down.
21. Complaints About “Modern Dating”
Mention how dating was better back in the day. (You know, the era you’ve only heard about from movies.)
22. The Ability to Fix Random Things
Everything’s a DIY project now. Even if you break it more, it’s the effort that counts.
23. A Carefully Curated “Bad Boy” Persona
Wear a leather jacket once and talk about your “wild side.” Never elaborate. Mystery achieved.
24. Loud Opinions About Music
Her playlist? Basic. Yours? Superior. Even if it’s just classic rock and a bit of techno.
25. Unwavering Loyalty to a Sports Team
Your team’s victories are personal. Their losses? Don’t talk about it. She needs to see your passion.
26. A Slightly Over-the-Top Compliment
“You’re like the moon and the stars.” Too much? Never. Be grand or go home.
27. An Emergency “Deep Talk” Prepared
Every once in a while, drop a random deep thought. “What even is love?” She’ll think you’re profound.
28. That One “Manly” Skill
Whether it’s grilling or lifting heavy boxes, showcase it regularly. Providing? Complete.
29. A Legendary Story from “Back in the Day”
Tell one epic story over and over. Add extra details each time. You’re building a legacy.
30. Overuse of the Word “Provide”
Remind her you’re the provider—just in case she forgets. You’re a walking, talking safety net of… something.
Disclaimer: If you haven’t caught on yet, this is all in good fun. Real relationships are about mutual respect, honesty, and connection—not outdated “provider” roles. 😉